composer, conductor, trombone soloist

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New York, Los Angeles, Stubenberg, Vienna, USA, Austria
Ed Neumeister’s profile is the result of long and deep experience. As a performer he has been at the forefront of Jazz for more than 40 years developing a unique voice. Having also worked with high level classical orchestras and ensembles nurtured his focus on conducting and composing. He knows what the musicians need because he was there.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Attacked by a Fly! a true story……

I was sitting and practicing my trombone this morning when two flies started to annoy me with their constant buzzing. It’s a beautiful day so the sliding door was open to the garden with the sun shining outside, but closed the door so not to bother the neighbors with my playing On a Slow Boat to China over and over again, this way and that way, melody then harmonies then melody again followed by more harmonic work etc,. After awhile, though, the buzzing of the flies and one loud “mother buzzer” in particular started to really annoy me so I got a section of newspaper, rolled it up and went after the culprit. I remember saying “sorry man, but your gonna die anyway”, as most flies do that are frustratingly trying to fly through glass. The lucky ones find the open door or window and fly away to freedom. Or, at least out of my hearing range. With the rolled up paper in hand I went looking for the mother-buzzer, which wasn’t difficult considering the decibel level of his buzzing. Are these flies he or she? Hmmmm. Don’t know. There he is on the window. Gotta a good clear shot. Ready aim…….smack!! Oops, missed him. Too much wind-up. That always tips them off. Now he’s pissed and buzzing around the room like a maniac. The other one joins him for some frenzied buzzing. Bam!! Into the window. Bam! Bam! After awhile he calms down and starts to rest here and there, but not in a good location for a clean shot with my paper. He’s actually sitting on top of a photo of my son, just taunting me. Nice try MF!! I laugh. So, I brush him off gently to the more open landscape of the window. Eventually, he walks into the open space. I take my aim with the precision of a Zen marksman and, with a little flick of the wrist, smack! Chock!! Down he goes onto the floor, belly-up, to be swept up or vacuumed with the other flies, bees and other bugs, most whom have died a more dignified natural death trying to escape through this unexplainable clear but persistently hard membrane we call glass. Finally with the primary buzzer taken care of I sit back down to practice my trombone. Quiet at last. As I sit down, I see on the music stand another fly. “The more quiet one,” I think. I literally say to him “you’re cool as long as you don’t start buzzing”. As I start playing the trombone all of a sudden I feel a fly routing around in my hair. This guy was really fu*king with me!! I stop playing and brush the fly out of my hair, but he proceeds to keep buzzing me like a kamikaze. He was literally flying around my head in an aggravated way, paying special attention to my ears, and bombarding my head and face. What the fu*k? My first reaction was anger as I tried, unsuccessfully of course, to catch the fly with my hand. As the situation became clearer to me I started laughing. I couldn’t believe it. Was he really all over me because I offed his buddy? Or was he trying with aggression to protect himself? So I said out loud “alright, you want to go out? No problem”. I walked to the sliding glass door and opened it with my trombone in hand. Walked outside onto the patio a step and said “here you go”…. only to see him buzz past me into the outdoors. Quiet at last, I’m able to continue my practicing without the drone. Now, as I sit at my computer near the open glass door, with the clean fresh air streaming in, there are 4 or 5 buzzing flies inside, trying to figure out how to get through glass. I just saw one fly all the way to the open door only to turn around and come back in the room to buzz on the glass and irritate me. What to do now?? Besides close the door. But if I close the door, they can’t get out. I’m done practicing for now and not composing which is when the buzzing is completely unacceptable. Trying to compose with buzzing flies and wasps is almost as bad as the ever-dreaded leaf-blower outside. The main difference is that you can’t very well go hit the leaf-blower over the head with rolled up paper. As much as I’d like to, sometimes. I’m not a violent man, in fact I am a pacifist. Or am I? When it comes to buzzing, flying bugs, including mosquitoes, that’s where I draw the line. I had to share that. Peace! Ed

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